It takes more work

So, I'm learning to be more authentic. It's not as easy as it might sound actually. Being authentic, for me, takes a lot of work.

It's so easy for me to sort of gloss over what is or is not going on in my life. And I've discovered that I do it almost without thinking. It's just easier to tell people what they want to hear...but rarely is that actually what happens to be going on.

And I have a couple of people in my life who are guiding me through the process of how to do this more.

And it's making me a better person...a better woman.

It takes more work...but I'm discovering that my relationships are better when I put more into them.

When my plans change

So, funny thing happened today. I had made some plans with family for a few days of my break. We had talked and emailed and done what was necessary to connect for a brief part of our Christmas vacation.

Then their plans changed.

So, I got this email explaining that one of them had to be back at work a day early and could we change when we were meeting to a day early. Usually, I stress when the things I plan don't go as planned.

Even seeming little things like this.

But I'm growing and I'm different these days. So, as I reworked my plans I was thinking about how differently I was approaching the situation. I just sort of went with the flow...I had to change everything...the day we left, the time we left, the order in which we were seeing everyone...and somehow that didn't phase me.

That is remarkable.

And in a small way it prepares me for my future. I have a lot of plans to be made and executed...and a lot of the time that will happen flawlessly. But there will be times when my plans need to change. And I need to be prepared to go with the flow. To rework my original plans and make them fit the new circumstances that I'm dealing with.

Because I'm allowing Him to work in me...when my plans change.

When the time is right

In the stillness of this morning, Jesus is whispering to my heart once again. He tells me I need to prepare. He is speaking things to my heart I couldn't begin to express to those around me because the time has not yet come.

These are conversations just for us.

Which is hard for me. Because sharing what is going on in my life with people is how I feel like something is real. I'm learning how rest in the clarity and reality of my Savior today. That it is not always His intent for me to immediately share what's on my heart. In these beginning days, His words are for me.

Words I need to meditate on, words I need to allow to sink into my spirit, words I need to own in the deepest parts of my soul. I need to do these things to allow Him to take root and grow in my heart what He has planned for me.

Later there will be an opportunity to share...when the time is right.

I think part of this is because in these beginning moments I am still hesitant. I'm not sure of exactly what I'm hearing. I want to know and I want to own what He is telling me. But these are the days of baby steps. I need to be ready to run hard after His plan for my life before I start to tell others.

For two reasons...One, I could be easily swayed by the opinion of others right now. I am surrounded by good and godly people, but no one can explain Jesus' call on my life like He can...so His is the only voice I should be listening to. He must have the final word in my life.

Two, when the time is right I will be able to clearly communicate what it is He is doing. Right now, I can't. And I never want to misrepresent Him or His plans. So, this is a time to be quiet.

So, those are my thoughts today...the ones I can share. There is a mighty work being done and a great preparation that I am up to my elbows in...and I love that. There is an anxious anticipation in my spirit of what He is up to. And I can't wait to share it...

when the time is right.

Especially this year

Merry Christmas...

What an amazing time this Christmas has been already. I got to spend my day yesterday serving the people of Charlotte in preparation for a killer Christmas Even service Uptown at the Belk. I can't think of a better way to focus my time, energy and thoughts before this day.

We say it a lot around Elevation, our mission is to see people far from God be filled with life in Christ. It's more than something we say...it's something we live out as best we know how with the resources God has given us. And I have learned so much from the time I have spent with our people and our leaders.

This could not have been more true yesterday. As I was reading Larry's blog this morning I was overwhelmed at the mighty move of God. He is changing our city one person at a time and I get to be a part of what He is doing...what more could I ask for this Christmas.

Things are not as they have been in my life this year. In all of the good ways. My priorities are different...my relationships are different...my work is different...I am changing. I hear Jesus...speaking truth to my heart and I want to respond.

Like never before.

So, as I reflect this morning...listening to my family, watching the lights on the tree, I am grateful. I have a very full life.

Christmas is my favorite time of year...especially this year.

The weakest moments of my day

I am not a morning person.

I actually hate the morning. Crazy, I know...seeing as how the morning is inanimate and all that. But in all seriousness...I do NOT do mornings.

Which brings me to an interesting fact about myself.

I lead a volunteer team at my church that meets at 5 am every Sunday...and on days like today at 8:30 am for an all day set up for our amazing Christmas Eve services at the Belk Uptown.

Interesting how that works.

I also do not handle bumps in my mornings, or frustrations or crisis well in the morning...particularly before a very strong very large cup of coffee. This is what I've been prompted to work on today.

I'm human...I realize this. And I don't handle the day's frustrations perfectly all the time, but lately I've noticed a consistent issue in dealing with things in the mornings. I'm not sure that I have any profound thoughts on how I'm going to get my act together and deal with stuff better in the mornings...It's just something Jesus has prompted me to think about, get to the root of and turn over to Him.

After all...that's what He asks of me...to discover my whys...turn them over to Him and ask Him to help me...

in the weakest moments of my day.

When I'm out of words

So, I've been challenged today...

I'm a pretty verbal person (shocker there). It is very easy for me to create or carry almost any conversation. I love it talk...it's just that simple.

The challenge is...what to do when I'm out of words. In general yes, but specifically with my Savior. I think I'm supposed to be still...and listen. Listening has been a theme over the last few weeks. And I'm learning to do it more.

But sometimes...probably a lot more often than I allow...I just need to be still and listen. Not try to fill in the empty spaces with my barrage of requests and questions...but just be still.

So, today, as I end what has been a fun relaxing day, I am still. Because that is the best thing I can do...

when I'm out of words.

The shift and the spectrum

So, I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I make and how I typically go about them. It's that time of year, when you reflect on what has happened and how things played out over the course of the year and this year seems to have included a major shift for me.

It took all year for it to take place, but this has been a year of settling into adulthood...of owning my relationship with Christ...of recreating some boundaries I had let go...and just generally becoming a more healthy balanced person.

It's kind of crazy, when I look back on the year, how much has actually shifted in my world. It's a very good shift, one I didn't even realize was necessary in January. But here I sit feeling very different than I did...about just about everything.

And I'm liking it...a lot.

My life, as I look back, seems to have been very one sided...with all my focus and energy being spent (and sometimes wasted) in one area of my life, to the sacrifice of all others. And now...I spend my days much differently. With focus where it should be across the board. It's an interesting feeling...one I've not been familiar with, but would like to.

I have relationships I'm investing in, volunteers I lead, classes I teach, art I create...and a sweet conversation with my Savior as a part of each day or week. And it feels good. I still can't do it all, but what I am choosing to do, I am doing better.

And I want to do more of that.

I want to continue to focus my time and energy across the spectrum of my life and not hone in so tightly on one aspect that the palette of colors I've been given becomes monotone. I need all those colors to paint the life I was meant to create.

Old Paintings

I am an artist. I have worked in varying degrees from not at all to all the time over the past 10 or 15 years. The most recent being all the time. Thanks to the encouragement of someone I know.

And this has led me to some of my old paintings.

As I was cleaning my office I came across several pieces from a long time ago...and some as recent as the summer. And I really took the time to look at them. To see how my work has developed over the years...what was important to me at a particular time, or how I was feeling. It's really interesting how much I remember about certain events after I look under the lens of my work.

It's very telling.

Sometimes I remember good things...sometimes what I remember is hard. But either way...it makes me look, and think twice about these hills and valleys in my life.

And that is very good for me...to see God's hand at work through...

old paintings.

A piece of my heart

Today was the end of what seemed to be an unending...but incredibly amazing, chapter in my life. God has truly been at work in me over the last 15 days. He has been doing some serious re-organizing and re-prioritizing. It's been great...and very hard.

He has spoken to me in ways I never dreamed possible. He has orchestrated things that could have only come directly from Him. He has worked through every aspect of my life connecting dots I was previously unable to see.

He has been working towards this time in me for a while now. And the amount of patience that I am so acutely aware of now overwhelms me. I tired so very hard to push Him away from that deepest darkest corner of my heart.

And yet He persisted...unwaveringly.

And He's not finished...but I am listening.

Through this process...of uncovering some very ugly things, He has enlarged my heart. Things there weren't room for previously now have space and freedom to exist. And He is at the center of it.

Right where He should be.

This has also allowed me to share a piece of my heart and that process is incredible. More than I could have ever imagined it would be. It's something that has only been possible because of the reconstruction of my spirit. A work that I never could have scripted...not in all my days.

Because in the process of cleaning out a corner of my heart...it is ready for the next step...

to share another piece of my heart.

Getting my house in order

So, I've been spending some time getting my house in order. We talked about this at church during the last sermon series. Between that and some good conversation with friends...I just got really motivated to do this literally.

You see...I have this office....

Do I really need to say more? Anyone living in a house or condo or whatever that has more than one bedroom/bathroom knows what I'm talking about. My office is where everything without a place has been literally tossed for the 5 years I've lived in my condo. You cannot EVEN imagine the level of clutter that was contained in this smallest room in my house.

Around thanksgiving I got it in my head that I was going to clean it out and have it be the usable space it was intended to be. It's where I planned to work...not just on school stuff, but on my art, both on the computer and on the easel. I have never actually been able to do that while I've lived here.

Until the middle of this week.

I actually did it...I've been through everything I own. A lot of things went into the trash. A lot of things are packed up to go to good will. And...a lot of things found their way to a permanent organized resting place. It's amazing...making me wonder why I didn't do this a long time ago. I mean I feel so much better knowing that there is not clutter in my home anymore.

Which made me think about my heart.

I hadn't made the connection until today, but this is what Jesus has been doing with my life. Getting rid of the clutter...helping me learn to pitch the stuff I've carried around that I just don't need. Giving Him the burdens I don't need to be lugging around. And organizing my heart around Him and not me.

And I feel better.

So today was a good day. I finished up my responsibilities at school, exercised with a trusted friend, did a photo shoot for another good friend, and completed the process of getting my house in order.

And the timing couldn't be better.

Pass it on

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what God has been doing in my life. I'm in one of those places where I'm beginning to see the results in a way I haven't before. In fact the changes in me and my life are apparently obvious to others....that's when you know it's a big deal.

Several people in the last week or two have mentioned how different I look...or seem...or act...and it happened again today. Which made me start to think about the vibe I was putting out before. And the more I think about it the more I realize I have spent most of my teaching years tired.

all the time

The more I've thought about it the more I'm realizing how much I used to say that..."Oh, well, there is a lot going on right now and I'm just tired...but things are good." Not really very convincing.

And the changes that I've made...on the outside...to me...seem very small. But the changes in my heart...between me and Jesus, are huge. And what I've come to understand is that what has happened is a total revamp of my perception...of everything. Which is awesome.

It's been a long time coming.

I just have more joy. period. I'm enjoying my job...and not letting it suck the life out of me. I'm spending enormous amounts of time with Jesus....and I'm discovering that it's not all the same way all the time. Sometimes I write a lot in one day. Sometimes I talk out loud a lot in one day. Sometimes I read a lot in one day. Sometimes I worship a lot in one day....He doesn't care that it's not all exactly the same routine...in fact I think He likes the variety...I know I do. I'm creating art. I'm spending time with my friends...investing in relationships. I'm being healthy...exercising and eating well. And all of that together makes for a much more balanced me.

I love it.

I found a 3x5 card in the last week or so that my mom had written a few verses on for me at a time when I was really struggling. It's really stuck with me. In fact, I'm carrying it around with me everyday because it's so applicable to where Jesus seems to be leading me.

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we in turn can be an encouragement for you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.
II Cor. 1:3-7

I have been so encouraged by the people in my life...and I am being given lots of opportunities to do the same. I've been through some tough stuff. But I absolutely would not be who I am today without it. And I am thankful, because it gives me a voice of knowledge and understanding that I would not otherwise have. And the process of finding my voice has been crucial to my growth.

And now its time...to take the comfort of my Savior...

and pass it on.

It's part of my process

As I was painting last night, I was thinking about some stuff. Like...why have I gone so long without doing this. I'm in my 7th year of teaching and it's basically been that long since I really worked on anything that was just me doing art.

I love art...I love to go see it, I love to watch my kids make it....but most of all I love to create it myself. And I never do that anymore. I never sit down and draw just to draw.

I used to do that all the time. I used to take at least a sketch book with me everywhere. It seemed like I always had something I wanted to work on, an idea I wanted to develop. I was constantly thinking about a piece I wanted to do.

It's been a long time since that happened.

Someone told me recently that my art is one of the ways I talk to Jesus...tell him what's on my heart that I can't put into words. There is so much truth in that.

So, as I sat stuck on something I wasn't able to get it like I wanted, I sat down to sketch and see if I could figure out how to change it. With my sketchbook and pencil in hand, I drew and erased and looked at what I had created so far...and it occurred to me.

I miss this.

I miss the process of creating. I even miss getting stuck on something and having to work my way out of it. I miss working...with all my responsibilities on the the back burner, letting all of that melt away and just focus on the process of making something from nothing. It did my heart good.

And I was thankful...I guess thanks was the theme of the theme of the day yesterday. But I really was. The creative process helps me manage stress. It helps me clear my head. It totally energizes me. And especially now, when my conversations with Jesus seem constant...it's very healing. It is a way I pour my heart out to Him. And I love that.

So, despite my job and the plans of the day...I will work. I will do the other things as well, because it's all part of it. But I will no longer put creating so far down on the list that it falls off. I can't...it's part of who I am...

it's part of my process.

More today...

Today...I am grateful. That word by itself just doesn't seem to cover my feelings. As I was reading the Word this morning...I was just overwhelmed. The God of the universe...who put every star in place, every fish in the sea, every person on this planet...past/present/future...has been speaking...to me.

I am just in awe. There are so many things that require His attention...and yet, He speaks, very intentionally, to me. All the while doing...everything else. He is an amazing God. And I am stunned by His unmistakable presence in my life.

I'm beginning to get it.

This is not new on His part...it's new on mine. Since the day I was born and before...He has been calling my name. Inviting me, with His quiet strength to join Him on the journey He has for me. He knew exactly how long He would have to wait for me...and did not tire in that process. As I made mistakes, big and small. As I went about life my own way...but under the delusion I was doing it His way...with my help. The times I heard Him and just plain ignored His voice speaking every so gently to me.

and He waited...continuing to pursue me...until I got it.

And I am in awe...and wonder...and I quiet my spirit before Him this morning and say...thank you.

Knowing that the words fall terribly short of what I want to express (which is happening to me a lot lately). But also knowing that He knows my heart. He knows how full it is. He can hear and understand me in the most intimate of ways. Meaning that I don't have to worry about how feeble my attempts are at thanking Him.

He loves to hear me try...and so, I try. I try to express how small I feel in comparison to Him...how I know that any good thing in me is from Him. How I want to walk in His truth, how I am working hard to agree with Him about who He says I am.

And that I love Him...more today than ever before.

Daddy, thank you so much for speaking directly to me...in my brokenness, in my need, right where I'm at. Thank you so much for gently speaking truth to me. For encouraging me...that You have created me for an amazing purpose...and that You will equip me to do it. That You will cover my inabilities with the cross and give me what I don't have that I so desperately need to fulfill the call You are placing on my life. That when the time is right You will provide clarity and direction and give me the confidence I need to be faithful in the small things that lead to the great things. You are amazing and I praise You this morning for who You are...but more specifically for who You are to me. I love You so very much...more today.

For such a time as this

Clearly, Jesus has been speaking to me a lot over the last days and weeks. I have been broken, challenged, encouraged...and more by my Savior. It's been an incredible experience. Such a concentrated time of revelation warrants my attention...and believe me...I'm all ears.

This has been a time of listening. A time of being still and knowing that He is God. A time where He sheds light on what is ahead. Not a huge flood light that illuminates everything perfectly, but a soft candle light that gives me just enough information to be able to move forward with confidence in Him.

I'm excited...and I'm terrified, but like Pastor Steven said yesterday...if I'm not scared it's probably not God. So, here I go with a nervous energy that propels me into the future He has called me to. I have no idea what is in store, but I know He has spent my whole life preparing me...for such a time as this.

Don't mind me...

Wow...that's all I've got this afternoon...wow

I'm going to attempt to expound on this thought...but I won't do it justice.

Last Sunday I raved about my amazing Pastor (Steven Furtick) and the word he delivered that was straight from the Lord to my heart. Well, I'm gonna do it again...

This week was about when God speaks and we talk back, instead of just listening to Him and agreeing with Him about who He has created us to be. There were several things that stuck with me this week.

~When God speaks He reveals my purpose & reassures me of His presence.
~When God speaks to me about my purpose it seems like more than I can do with my ordinary life.
~I don't get to define my purpose...I get to discover the purpose God already planned for me.
~It's time I start agreeing with who my Father says that I am.
~When I hear His purpose...don't fight it...let it sink in.
~He doesn't usually speak aloud...He speaks so much louder than that.
~He interprets what Pastor says to speak specifically and with authority in my life.
~I'm not praying about things that are good/bad they are what's better/best.
~Let God's Word be the last Word.
~When it comes to my purpose, He calls me to something greater than I am.
~I am hearing something no one else is hearing (like when you're rocking out to a song in the car).
~If God has called me to great things, I need to do the small things that lead to the great things.
~He is not defined by the circumstances in my life, but He defines them.
~ He is WITH me...

So, needless to say...it was a lot. And I'm totally excited about what He is doing in my life. I pray that I will be faithful to Him and His call on my life. That I will live each day to the full...diligently doing the small things. That I will be listening for Him...everywhere.

And if I seem a bit over the top, or like a kid in the candy store...or whatever that seems not-quite-like-me, you're probably right.

But don't mind me...I'm hearing the voice Jesus...speaking loud and clear in my life.

Life without the mute button

I've had some interesting encounters with Jesus recently.

I'm in a place where I am seeing Him at work in ways I've never noticed before. I'm sure He has always been there working...waiting for me to notice. And now that I do, I'm wondering how I missed it before.

I know there are seasons in life where we are just more aware based on what is going on and where we are at. But this seems different. It's like the work of His hand has been so loud, but I had it on mute and now that I don't the sound is deafening.

It's like there is so much I don't know what to listen to first. I feel like my days are full of what He is trying to say. It's a little overwhelming, but exciting. I am praying so much more these days. As I listen it evokes this need to talk to Him about it. To try to decipher what speaks to what in my life.

It's really fun actually.

And while I realize there will be times when the sound seems to go up and down in my life...I never want to mute the sound of my Savior speaking to me. I don't control the volume...He most definitely does. But I have the option to mute or not. That is the choice. That is the result of being created in His image. To be given the right to choose...to be in relationship with Him or not, to do His will or not, to listen or not.

I so want to listen.

So, as I sift through the amazing things Jesus is speaking to my heart and soul...I am grateful. In a way I have never been before. And I'm seeking Him...looking for Him, like never before. Praying that He will reveal to me the next steps He has for me on this amazing journey. Listening to life without the mute button.

The investment opportunity

I'm a teacher. I've been a teacher for 7 years...at least that's how long I've been paid to do it. Teaching opens up really interesting relationships...with co-workers, with parents, with kids. Especially with kids.

I love my kids...all 500 or so of them. I have different relationships with each group of them. Some of them love my subject matter and so they come with a positive outlook on who I am to them. Some of them do not feel very artistically gifted, and that changes their approach not just to my class, but to me. Some of them are older (middle or high school aged)...and this changes how they interact with me. (They are not nearly as surprised to discover that I actually do go to the store and to church...that I do not live at school.)

And with each group I find different ways to teach them what they need to learn. To speak truth and encouragement to them in ways that they are able to process based on their age and relationship to Christ.

This is not the part I love the most. My subject matter is great and I totally love it, but when I have the opportunity to truly invest in my kids...that rocks.

I love pouring into my kids. Occassionally this happens in the younger grades, but not as often because there are not as many opportunities to get to know them individually as people. With my older students, however, between extra curricular activities and opportunities that arise through the course of the year, I do get to know them as people...and they get to know me.

That is the best.

Because it opens doors. I have opportunites to talk to them about Jesus. About what living a life in relationship with Him...about functioning in a society that does not always support or acknowledge Him. What that's like...how it's hard...when it makes you grow.

That is when I feel I'm being used to my full potential. When they come and say..."You know, I've been thinking..." or "Can I talk to you?" It's amazing. They don't all do this...but the ones that do...that ask me to pray for them, that ask me questions about Jesus and how He relates to them where they are at...that is my highest calling.

It's the investment opportunity.

I just can't do it all

So, I was thinking about how I try to cram so much stuff into my allotted 24 hours a day. Sometimes it's worse than others. Like today for instance.

I set my alarm early...I really wanted to meet with Jesus before I rushed out into my day. I had some very specific things that were on my heart as I went to bed and I knew I wanted to revisit them with Him in the morning.

So, I did...in classic fashion, He woke me up just before my alarm. Giving me the conscious choice to either turn off the early alarm and go back to sleep or do what I had set out to do and meet with Him.

I don't always choose well in these situations...especially in the mornings, but today I did. The thoughts running though my heart as I went to bed were right where I had left them. I was blessed with amazing sleep despite all that was swirling around my soul...and I'm very thankful for that.

I went to my spot with pen, Bible and journal and poured out my heart to my Savior. It was amazing...so much so that I lost track of time and began the rest of my morning routine much later than I prefer.

And I had a huge list today. In addition to the regular items to accomplish before I walk out the door...I had some product to bag and bring to a couple of my customers, a friend of mine had asked that I bring a copy of something we did at church a few months back, and I had a birthday in my advisory (meaning that I needed to stop by the store for the usual doughnuts and chocolate milk for my kids).

As I was getting ready...as fast as I could...I was going through this list seeing if I thought I could do it all and not be late for school. I decided to look up the thing from church on-line and print it off at school...one thing down. I knew I wasn't going to go home before a hair appointment later, so I had to go pull the products and bag them to take with me.

Which left the store...to go or not to go...when I got in my car I debated all the way to the point where I had to go either straight to school or by way of the store. And these were my thoughts...we don't have any more days of advisory before Christmas. We have a Christmas party tomorrow, however, this kid's birthday is right before Christmas and so he is constantly being coupled with the holiday and I just didn't feel like I could do the same thing. Right or wrong that was more important to me than whether or not I was on time today.

So, after picking up the items as quickly as possible, I called to school trying to find someone that could be in my room during the passing period until I could arrive a min. or so after 8. I did find someone and everything was fine. I'm not sure if I had it to do again I would do things differently...except that makes me think.

Why do I try to do it all...?

I'm not really sure what the answer is to that today. I have a giving personality. I want those I come into contact with to know that I value them. Especially my kids. I am capable of a lot of things and I want to do as much as possible. But sometimes my desire to do outweighs the amount of time I've been given. So, I guess what I need to learn is that prioritizing doesn't mean that I don't value what ends up at the top of the list more than the bottom...especially when it involves people.

It just means that I've only been given a certain amount of time and I must prioritize. Because I want to be a woman of my word...and my time. Doing what I need to do and what I get to do, but all with a realistic view of what will fit into the time I've been given each day. Because no matter how great the things are that I would like to do...

I just can't do it all.

The melodic conversation

I have been in a really worship-ful mood in the last few days. I got some great music from a friend of mine and have just had an amazing time the Lord...pouring out my heart in praise of the One who is worthy.

It's made me think...why don't I do this more often? I love to sing. I love to harmonize with the radio, no matter what the tune. I know that music speaks to my spirit...so why not weave the worship throughout my day?

Now, I'm not saying I'm never going to listen to another secular song...I'm pretty eclectic in my musical tastes and they all have their time and place. I just am realizing I haven't been very intentional about my musical choices until recently.

There are several things that have led me to this discovery. Not the least of which is that I feel better if I spend part of my day praising my Savior. It connects me to Him in a different way. And together with the other ways I talk to Him...it's a way to complete the conversation.

I have a friend who does this...constantly. She seems to always have a heart for worship and can just bust into song at any point...or as she's listening to a song, allow it to overtake her heart and push her straight into the throne room in worship. It's an amazing thing. And I want to be sensitive to my Savior that way...more today.

So, here's the deal. I'm making a conscious choice to worship...every day. Yes, my life should, in general, be an offering of worship to Jesus. I'm striving to do that more and more. And, yes, I realize that worship is more than just singing or being musical. But for me the choice to sing praises to my Savior is, I think, essential to the conversation with Him.

Its a way to express what's in my heart that I have a hard time putting into words...some songs seem really appropriate for the moment...and I have so many to choose from. Words that have already been penned...chords already written...waiting.

So, today I chose to worship...getting ready for work, on my way to school, as the undertone to my classes...I choose...

the melodic conversation.

The beauty of intercession

So, it never ceases to amaze me when God speaks things to my heart and I pray on behalf of others...sometimes not knowing how or why these thoughts...prayers and scriptures come to me.

It's when I'm reading scripture and things just jump off the page at me. I underline furiously...sometimes because the truth speaks directly to my heart. Sometimes because Jesus is leading me through prayerful scriptures on behalf of someone else. What an amazing experience. To be part of what His is doing in such an intimate way...is humbling.

Especially when He lets me in on the bigger picture. When someone I've been praying for will tell me what is going on in their life that specifically relates to scripture that has been brought to my mind concerning them. Prayers I've prayed that I didn't even realize the significance of until after we talk.

Don't get me wrong...it's not like this has been happening my whole life and I'm an experienced intercessor. I'm totally not. But as I draw closer to my Savior, He reveals Himself and His purpose more and more clearly...again, I'm more able to listen to Him. More willing. Desiring to be close to His heart...more than ever before. And the closer I get the more He uses me...speaks to me...through me into the lives of those around me.

It's incredible. It's a role I totally don't deserve. And one I cannot fill without Him. I've got years that prove that fact all to well. When I separate myself from Him, He lets me...and this closeness and privilege of lifting up others before His throne of grace and mercy falls on the shoulders of those who are close to His heart. It's not that the work goes un-done. He is bigger than me and my independence. But I totally miss out when I go my own way.

So, today I am thankful...that doesn't even seem to cover it. I bow my heart before Him...in grateful praise of the One who is above all others. In the simplistic...yet complicated move of His mighty hand...in awe and wonder of

the beauty of intercession.

In the not knowing...

Today, as I contemplate all that is simmering in my spirit, I am hushed. The gentle voice of my Savior whispers words of comfort to my soul and peace to my heart. More and more I am realizing my role in His plan. And the further I go...the more comfortable I get...in the not knowing.

What I mean by that is that I just can't possibly see the aerial view of this journey I'm on. And I'm understanding more and more that is not the point. The point is that I trust Him. I trust Him not to lead me where I should not go. I trust Him not to hurt me. That's what makes it a journey. If I knew the destination ahead of time, the nuance and discovery along the way would be lost.

I feel Him tugging at my heart, prompting me further on...asking gently if I'll follow where He leads. And I am...I'm not sure where it is or how I will get there, but I follow. Because nothing is better than a journey with Him.

I'm finding that He is speaking to my heart all the time these days. Or (as Pastor Steven pointed out yesterday) maybe I'm just finally listening. I'm more calm than I have been in a very long time. I have a restless heart and it is unusual for it to be so quieted. That is the gentle power of my Savior.

I have discovered a kindred spirit along my journey. I've mentioned her before, but today is different. She is half a world away serving Jesus and His people in a foreign land. She should be laying her head down for the night. And as she does so I pray...as I have been from the moment that she left. That He would use her in a mighty way in that place. I have...and do miss her tremendously. But today is different. Because in her absence, my awareness of my Savior has been heightened. And for that I am grateful.

The work that is beginning right now in each of us is remarkable. I know that to be true. This is a turning point for me. A time that will forever be marked in my soul. It is a time of growth. A time of intimate moments with Jesus, like I've never had before. That I pray will continue for the rest of my days.

I have important work ahead of me...I do not understand it. I don't need to. Not now. I must simply follow, wherever He leads me...

in the not knowing...

What He's already said

As usual, Pastor Steven totally brought it at church this morning. I mean, his words were loud and clear and today I find myself really soaking in the weight of the message in my life right now. If you are unfamiliar with Elevation Church or you are looking for a place that is alive in Jesus Christ, you should check us out.

Our new sermon series is called "Do you Hear?" And it's going to be great.

So, today Pastor said that some of us are in a place where we need to hear from God on something very specific. True...for me anyway. And that what we need is the ability to hear God AND the courage to act on it. That a lot of damage has been done by people saying they heard this or that from the Lord when they probably didn't. But just because others have abused it doesn't mean we still shouldn't strive to hear God and act on what He tells us.

These were Pastor's 4 points.

1. God can still speak to you (no matter where you're at)
2. God is able to ignite the ordinary (Moses and the burning bush)
3. You must prepare yourself to hear from God (He will call your name, but then you must remove your shoes...prepare your heart)
4. God's voice reminds you of His promises (in His word)

And here I sit, trying to process through the ramifications of this message on my life. I have like 6 pages of notes from today. One of the things that really stuck with me is what Pastor said about listening. He said the question is not "is God speaking?" but rather "Am I listening?" He went on to say that some of us need to listen to what God has already told us...we don't need to hear Him speak it again.

Wow...and that's where this message landed on my heart. I'm wondering how much of my life I spend asking God (or not...just outright ignoring) what He has already said. In my job, in my finances, in my relationships...how often do I allow the noise of life to drown out the only voice that really matters?

I'm thinking pretty often.

So, today is a day for thought...thought about those three specific areas of my life. I don't know that any blockbuster revelation is going to come by dinner, but I've started the conversation with God again...and that's what's important for today. Because it's high time I start acting on...

what He's already said.

What's in a name

So, I was talking to a friend of mine today and I was reminded of something God taught me a long time ago.

I'm a birthmother. I had a little girl nine years ago and placed her with an adoptive family. Through that process I was very passionate about her name. I watched a girl who had established a relationship with the adoptive parents of her son. She had named her son and always wrote to him in letters to the names she had given him. The adoptive parents, of course, had given him another name.

This really struck me...I wondered about how he would grow up. Would he feel really duplicitous because of his double identity. It really made me think...a lot. I didn't want my daughter to feel that way. I wanted her to know that I knew who she was and I was okay with that. But I also wanted her to bear the name of a very influential woman in my life.

It was a tough road to walk down.

I really struggled. I only wanted my child to have one name. This was really important to me. I wanted her to have one identity and I wanted her to know that I supported and loved who she was...always.

So through a long and interesting process, God brought her parents and I together. I love them. They have extended grace and mercy and love to me in ways I totally don't deserve. That's the beauty of Jesus. They have been a part of my healing process in ways I can't possibly explain. They make me feel like a good woman...and mother.

That is priceless.

Through our conversations over the course of my pregnancy, I discovered that they too had a very specific name in mind for this little girl and it had an amazing story behind it...much like mine. I had always been adamant that I would at least ask the adoptive couple if they would keep the name I was going to give the baby, but for some reason, a Holy hush always came over me when the subject of her name came up. I would share my reasons and thoughts on my name and theirs equally.

When she was born the nurses were asking about her name. A few weeks prior to her arrival i had determined that I would combine the two names. Their first name for her, because that is how she would identify herself and be identified by others and I wanted to support that. My name second because it was so important for me to be able to identify her as my first baby girl. I had even gone so far as to decide to put those two names on the certificate...so that at least her first name would always be the same.

But in the hustle and bustle of a new baby, my mother made a discovery. As the adoptive mom was watching me she told my mother that she and the adoptive dad had made a decision about changing our daughter's name.

It was a miracle.

One I never even thought to hope for. On their own, around the same time as me, after much prayer and consideration, they decided to do the same thing. They had decided that they wanted to keep the name I was going to give her as her middle name. Her name has always been the same.

And this...as so many things do...brings me back to Jesus.

He knows me. Everything about me. He longs for me to identify myself with Him, as His daughter, and not attach my identity to anything less or additional. He knows that I will feel duplicitous if I attach who I am to anything but Him. And He wants more for me than that.

And I am learning all over again to do that. To only identify with Christ and Him crucified and risen as my Savior. Because it's in Him that I can trust, and rest, and know my place....

because that's what's in a name.

When I'm by myself

So, I've had some things rolling around for the last several days that I just haven't been able to get into words. I'm not sure that they are all worked out exactly yet, but here it goes...

I am a people person...seriously. I like being with people as much as I like just about anything else in life. I have never wanted or felt like I needed to take a lot of time for myself. So I just don't, ever.

I think there is more to it than that, though. The thing about it just being me is that I cannot allow myself to be distracted by...whatever. There is only honesty, truth and Jesus. And a lot of the time it isn't pretty. In fact it's down right messy, and I'd just rather not deal with it...so I go surround myself with people, I ask them how they are...and I really do care. I create conversation and make people laugh.

But when it's just me and Jesus...when there is nothing to distract, I feel afraid. Like I'm not sure how to respond. I'm a pretty socially proficient and navigate well though an unbelievable amount of scenarios. But I am not proficient in my relationship with Jesus...or at least I don't feel like I am.

So, He has created a time for us to be alone...regardless of how I feel about it at first. We've been seeing a lot more of each other lately.

He loves that.

I'm working on it.

I want to be close to Him...I really do. I'm just still learning how to do that without shutting down or pushing Him away. I'm reading every day (quite the feat if you know me at all). And I'm filling my prayers with the needs of others....which are great and important right now. Some of my dearest friends really need me to lay them before His throne of Grace and intercede on their behalf. But Jesus wants to talk to me about He and I...as much as He wants to talk about my loved ones.

So, here I sit.

Journal in hand...one that's as unique as me. Hand made, from the pages to the binding, to the rust orange burlap cover and string with button to keep my thoughts tucked neatly away.

I'm more ready than I've ever been to hear from my Savior. It's a bit scary, because I have no idea where He is about to take me. But I'm ready. And while I do not intend to hermit myself away sequestered from the things He has given me to do. I will spend time with Him. Time that is just for He and I. I will begin, once again, to pour out my heart to Him. It's been awhile since our conversations were recorded with pen and ink...and it's time for that part of the conversation to continue. Because there is amazing clarity...

when I'm by myself

I need my girl

So, I realized something on the way home from my friend's house about directions.

I've been to her house a couple of times and am learning now the most efficient way to get there from my house. You know when you are giving directions to someone the first time, you often send them the way that is easiest...with the fewest turns/lights/etc. But that way is not always the fastest way from point A to point B.

True to form, my first set of directions to her house were very simple...a total of maybe 4 steps (good girl). But two things about that...first, I knew, on my end, that in the first two steps there was a faster way to get where she was taking me. So, on my first trip to her house I made those adjustments. Second, She knew, on her end that in the last two steps there were multiple options that would all get me to her house. So when I told her how I had come...she altered her end of the directions and I made the best time from her house to mine.

So, here's the thing...it took our understanding of our environments together, that made for the most efficient route that I finally took...and will continue to use each time I go to her house.

That's how I think God works. He wants us to rely on Him...always, above anyone or anything else. That is the truth, however, He also provides us with other people so that we rely on the body of Christ as well. Much like my directions.

Because it took both of us. She knows her back roads and I know mine. And together we have what it takes to successfully and efficiently navigate the road ahead. It's not that I rely on her more than Jesus, but that I rely on the knowledge she brings to the table that He has given her.

I love it that God not only created us to be in relationship with him, but also with each other. Because...I need my girl.

I hate being sick

So, I got sent home today...by way of the doctor's office. I hate being sick.

You would think, for someone who really does detest being sick, that I would do anything and everything to #1. not get sick and #2. get well as soon as possible. Funny thing about me....

I hate to go to the doctor. It's not that it scares me or that I don't think they can do their job. It's just such a huge inconvenience...so much so that I don't usually go. I'll take every over-the-counter under the sun and go home and crash. But I will not miss work, or any important commitment and I will not go to the doctor. I'll tough it out, because that's what I do.

And that makes me think...I don't want to be trite and compare my illness to my sin, blah, blah, blah. Not that it isn't a perfectly good analogy, because it is true. That's just not the kind of connections I usually make. Jesus has a different way of speaking to me that so often is outside what is obvious or normal.

But it does make me wonder...how often do let the things I know go by. Things He has taught me or I have learned about His character and how He provides for me. How much am I living on my own, partially if not totally unhealthy...worse off than I could be if I would just do what I know to do.

He's a smart guy...He knows I don't know it all, that I have so much left to learn and I don't get penalized for that. But I am charged to do those things I do know and understand. And when i don't...things just aren't right. They are less than they could be.

So, today...I bucked up and went to the doctor...and they gave me not 1, but 3 different medications. So, clearly, something is wrong. So, I've left them to be filled. I'll pick them up later and start to take them and they will make me feel better. And today I ask Jesus...to remind me of what I know and I will do it because...

I hate being sick.

If I never sell another painting

So, I was having a conversation recently about how deeply intrigued I am by the work of Vincent van Gogh. I've been thinking about that this morning as I put together the final preparations for our first all-school art show of the year.

Most people really like van Gogh's Starry Night, and with good reason...it's a great piece, but I don't like it for any of the reasons that most people do. In fact, I specifically don't like some of the trite or usual reasons that people like his work. I feel that way, because he is so very misunderstood. And those that cling to the typical analysis of his work are missing the point of the man and his amazing body of work.

I think it is this point on which I so greatly identify with him...the point of misunderstanding.

he sold one painting in his entire life. And it was bought by a friend of his brother's. He did not consider himself a great artist...but he worked anyway. That is what I'm working towards...working anyway.

It reminds me of another conversation I had...one of going through the different circles of people in life and the past and how they would not all agree on the type of person I am. Most would say I don't let things bother me. I take stuff in stride. I'm a good leader, wearing my emotions on my sleeve. And to the best of their knowledge that is true.

But there is more...so much more

I'm working on not hiding so much. I'm working on just being who I am regardless of where I'm at or who I'm with. But this is hard...it's not easy. it's not my initial response. In fact, it's the furthest thing from my mind. And so I pray...I pray for continued healing. That my yes would be yes and my no be no, without apology. To hold my high and walk in the knowledge of Jesus...and that what He has created in me is important and valuable because He says so...

even if I never sell another painting.

The sounds of the season

So, as I took down the decorations for my classroom this morning...tucking away the fall pumpkins & leaves and getting down my snowmen & Christmas trees...I had a thought.

As each box was packed and replaced on its shelf, it was almost as if the season went with it. Reaching for a box of Christmas decorations I had to blow off a layer of dust that had collected since the last time it was opened. I use these decorations every year at school and have had them for many years, but I am always surprised by an object or two...having forgotten I had it tucked away for the next winter season.

This is my thought...my life is like these boxes...seasonal, recurring, not always exactly as I remember from the last experience. Some of that is very good...some of it reminds me of things I've forgotten.

We do have seasons that come in and out of our lives...some of that provides comfort and stability. There was a season of school in my life. There may be one more season of that in my future...every time I reach for that box, something stops me, though. It's just not time...not yet, maybe not ever. We'll just have to see. And I'll have to continue to listen to Jesus as He guides my steps.

There has been a season of service through ministry...I worked in youth groups from the time I was a freshman in college until I started teaching. I loved those times...laughing with my kids, helping them work through their relationship with their parents and peers, taking them on insane trips to theme parks and youth events...it was an amazing time in my life, and some days I really miss it. I loved that season.

There have been seasons of relationship..healthy and unhealthy, both of which I've learned from. I wouldn't be who I am today without those seasons. So every once in a while, my Savior takes down a box, blows off the dust and reminds me of what was inside those dark seasons of my life. Not to threaten me, not to scare me...but to continue to heal me. In a constant effort to keep me from entering that season again and to inspire me in this season of very healthy relationship with Him and those around me. And I listen...

to the sounds of the season.

The truth of trust

So no long deep thoughts today...just a collection of conversations I've been thinking about.

Trust is the hardest thing to reinstate on the healing side of abuse.

It's hard to receive, but almost impossible to give. And in the moments where you know that you should be able to "insert trust here" you just can't. Reinstating trust is exhausting. Seriously.

You can "want to"...all you want to, but until something or someone breaks down that wall...it's just not going to happen. And no matter how long ago it was or how deep the abuse was felt...it just seems like something you will never be able to do again.

Until you finally do.

And what an amazing experience that is...a little nerve racking, a little scary, a little more than it seems you can handle again. But if you can find the strength to push through all that...amazing things happen.

Your whole body relaxes...for what seems to be the first time in your whole life. And with that release of tension comes amazing relief. Something you dared not ever hope for. But there it is. And when the person you have risked to hand trust to doesn't abuse it or you, a healing you never dreamed possible is born. Its a reality you never thought you would be able to live and rest in, and yet, somehow you do. It's a beautiful thing...

It's the truth of trust.

The anxious anticipation

It's raining this morning. That quiet gentle rain that soothes you back to sleep. It's darker than usual too. And as I sit here...tapping out my morning conversation I am in awe...

I am in awe of how precisely Jesus provides for me. I am a product of several abusive relationships. Not with my parents, thankfully, they are a constant source of encouragement and healthy relationship. But there have been others along the way that have left their marks and scars on my heart and soul.

Because of this, and because of the gender of most of those relationships, there is a healing that cannot be accomplished by my relationship with any of the Godly men in my life. And so, as He so expertly does...Jesus has knit my heart to a woman.

She is an amazing, godly woman...perhaps not who you would expect, at first, to minister to my heart and soul, but she so does. She has traveled a familiar road. And she has the scars to prove it.

It is this that has brought us together. The road of hurt and pain, of isolation and secrecy, of marks and scars. A road that is only understood by those that have walked it...all too well. And here is where you find a part of healing.

It's the part where someone else truly understands.

It's not something you wish for anyone to share with you. But when you do find a soul acquainted with your hurt an instant bond exists. And when that person is passionately pursuing Jesus...you feel instantly at home.

And that is what I have.

In Jesus' perfect timing. Not a moment too soon, because I was not ready to share my heart this way prior to this time in my life. Not a moment too late, because much longer in my seeming peace with the past and I would be poised for another beating. My Savior knows my heart and He knows just the right time and just the right way to open relationships and ready my heart for the next part of His plan for me.

It is in this...His perfect timing, that I am struck that there is more for me. Work yet to be done, things yet undiscovered and unplanned. There is a newness...a freshness to my walk with Jesus. A feeling that something incredible is just around the bend. Barely out of sight...but there just the same.

And I am in awe today. And I wait...with anxious anticipation.

The gentle leader

As I was reading the Word this morning, I was struck by this passage in I Thessalonians 2

As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well because you had become so dear to us. Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you.
You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.
...Indeed, you are our glory and joy.

And in this I found my challenge today...I'm a leader. In almost every aspect of my life I have some role of leadership. And today I am wondering if I am a gentle leader. There is one arena where I realize I've lost part of my focus in leading. Which is where this scripture lands on my heart.

I'm a volunteer leader at Elevation Church. I lead the set up team. Oh, yes...the set up team...meaning, yes, I do get up around 4 on Sunday's to be at church at 5 to turn your average high school into a place of worship. But I have ceased to be gentle. You see the amazing thing about Paul here, that I have also appreciated from those in leadership over me is...

He gets his hands dirty.

He doesn't just sweep in as God's messenger and expect to be treated as a celebrity. He works hard right along side the people he's been sent to lead. Thus further emphasizing the importance of servant leadership.

I have come under may types of leaders in my long history of being involved in churches. But the ones that stick out and the ones I worked hardest for were the ones that worked along side me. I've had great examples of that at Elevation. People who roll up their sleeves and jump in the back of the truck to unload and work as hard or harder than I did.

In the transition that has ultimately ended in my leading this team, I lost sight of that. There are a lot of things to think about on a Sunday morning. Changes from the week before, adjustments to make things run more smoothly, new people coming in, people needing to step down...it's all part of the ebb and flow of a ministry like ours that gets packed and unpacked every week.

And I've been distracted.

I was reminded...very gently this week that I need to dig back in with the people I am leading. Not that what I've been doing was bad...there is a fine line to walk. But I don't want to lead from a far...with words and directions. I didn't like that kind of leader because they seemed so disconnected from whatever work we were doing. I don't want to be disconnected. I want to serve with those I've been entrusted to lead.

So, I will...and it starts immediately. Sunday morning, dark and early, I will meet with the team I serve with and recommit to do just that...serve with them. I will apologize for becoming distracted by the responsibility, and then I will move tables, and haul boxes, and lay floor, because I want to be...the gentle leader.

The thing about prayer

So, here's the thing. I find that my prayer life is directly related with how comfortable I am in my own skin with Jesus. When I'm feeling ashamed or prideful or separated from Him in any way, my prayer life suffers. I've discovered over the last few years that it is a pretty good indication of how intimate I'm allowing Him to be with me.

When I have created a gap in my relationship with Christ, He does not come catapulting over the divide to make me restore my relationship with Him. He lets me go...that's what you do when you truly unconditionally love someone. Now, there are times, when you must fly in the face of the defenses of a sister or friend, because they are not there creating a gap they are a cry for help. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that ever so intentional move on my part to shut Jesus out.

I hate that I do that.

And I'm working on it. With the help of some very real relationships in my life, I am working to understand first why it is I partition myself off acting like I want to just be alone. I don't really want to be alone. I just don't want to be hurt. And letting someone...anyone in, opens up room to be hurt. So I have to learn to trust Him all over again.

And I am.

It is amazing to me that I would cut myself off from this lifeline of conversation. Talking is my fav...I love to talk (and yes I do realize that is an understatement). So why would I stop the one conversation that never has to? I don't know, I really don't. Because it is amazing...it is changing my life. It is clearing the clouded rooms of my heart and helping me not only see Jesus more clearly and the plan He seems to have for me, but also helping me to encourage, support and intercede for others on a daily basis.

I shouldn't be surprised by this...but I totally am.

He is moving in my spirit in a way I had forgotten was possible. He is revealing some of my stuff I didn't even know I still had, and He is talking to me about it. Not in loud thunderclaps from heaven, but quiet moments by the fire. Those times when I actually stop...and listen to Him. He is also entrusting me with the responsibility of bringing those closest to me before His throne of grace and mercy and healing every day. And it's incredible.

That's the thing about prayer.

In the beginning...

In the beginning...God created. It's funny how He does that. He sees what is out there, almost as if to say..."I wonder what would happen if..." Of course, He doesn't actually wonder, He knows all to well the plans He has and exactly how and when it will all come to pass. And I love that.

I am able to see, this morning, how God has been working to create something in my life. Something totally other than I ever expected. I'm seeing steps that were ordered so carefully in my life...that at the time seemed haphazard and lacking direction. I'm seeing people, places, experiences that culminate in where and who I am today. The process has been painful, more so than I would have liked, but that's how I know this very real truth.

God is preparing me for what He's preparing for me.

I've never seen it so clearly. I've been told I have a purpose, a calling, something special that only I can do. My parents have been telling me this my entire life. Quite literally. And they mean it...every time. Today, I actually think they might be right.

Daddy was a pastor while I was growing up. From the time I can remember we pastored small churches across this country. We moved every 3 or 4 years, not because our denomination said we had to, but simply because Jesus did. It was hard to see at the time (especially for me because I was a kid), but this was very intentionally planned by God. You see, my father's ministry, and therefor the ministry of our family, was to go to places that were broken and bring restoration. And Jesus did that through our family...over and over and over again.

Little did we know that the last church he would pastor would be the beginning of something so much bigger than that. My freshman year of college he was approached by at least 2 different well-known ministries asking him to consider working full time for their respective organizations. That was the weirdest year...I remember like it was yesterday.

Now, I love my dad..don't get me wrong, but we had had what seemed like a relatively uneventful history...preaching in small churches in small towns...ministering to Christians and teaching them how to be in healthy relationship with God and with each other. And while I'm not discounting it...it was important, it just didn't seem like the kind of background someone would need for the types of jobs that were on the table.

After almost 12 years, it has become abundantly clear, that the first 20 years or so of his ministry was the training ground for what he would do in the second half. He would not trade those years of working along side God's people, because those experiences are ones he draws on every day in his current position. He could never been equipped in this way had things been different.

And that is how I feel today. I have had several years of wondering if God had forgotten about me. If He really did remember the loneliness and pain I was feeling so very often. I even backed away from Him. Feeling hurt by my experiences and like He wasn't listening to my heart. All the while, knowing it wasn't true, but unable to see His hand at work in my life. I became guarded in my relationship with Him. As if I need to protect myself from something. And today I see it. I see that He has so not forgotten me. That He has been ever so carefully and expertly creating something that is a unique masterpiece of my past and my present, my scars and my smiles, my hurt and my healing.

All for the purpose and plan for my future.

A future I did not see coming, but look towards unwaveringly. Something that I could not understand until I was completely broken at His feet. One that I did not choose, but that I was chosen for. And I revel in that today. With nervous energy, because we are...

in the beginning...

Knowing my place

I've been flooded by revelation in the last few weeks. Some coming from processing Catalyst, an amazing conference I went to; some from an honest voice that pierces my heart with Truth; and some from books, not the least of which is the Bible. It's been a bit overwhelming actually. Not more than I can handle...like I discussed yesterday, but definitely more than I expected.

The most recent being a core issue I have with relationship. I've been trying to understand my reactions to those around me, in all parts of my life, for some time now. Touching here and there on what I can define and trying to work through it the best I know how. But last night, in a very real and difficult way, I discovered the heart of the matter.

I do not know my place.

In a relationship, whether it be with friends, co-workers, family, a significant other...I don't know how I fit. I'm not sure the place I have is a place I can keep, even with Jesus. I'm not sure how to rest in the value I am told that I have...I'm afraid I'll loose it. I'm afraid I'll screw something up.

Most of this has been very unconscious and under the surface. I think I've finally been able to unearth it because of some very difficult words that were spoken to me in love a month or so ago. I'm sitting across from a very dear friend and she looks me in the eye and says..."Laura, at some point, you just didn't choose Jesus." There was a long conversation that followed, where I began to dig deeper into myself than I ever cared to before. It began a very real journey that has been difficult and amazing at the same time. A journey that has led me to a cherished sisterhood I never thought possible.

And here I sit...with some very real rubble around my heart, wondering if I have what it takes to

know my place...

and own it...

and rest in it...

And honestly, I'm scared. I want to, more than I could ever begin to express. I have no reason not to believe these two amazing women who are speaking grace, hope, mercy, truth and love like never before. I know in my head I have no reason not to trust Jesus. That He tells me I am His daughter...His precious one.

So, now, one day at a time...hour by hour...moment by moment, I cling to this thought from Isaiah 42:2-4

He will not shout or cry out,
or raise His voice in the streets.

A bruised reed He will not break,
and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.
In faithfulness He will bring forth justice;

He will not falter or be discouraged
till He establishes justice on earth.
In His law the islands will put their hope."

until I know my place...

A personal touch

Sometimes in my life God allows me to see Him in a very "flesh and blood" kind of way. He brings His Word, His character, His love...all to the forefront of an otherwise broken and sinful person that is just like me. When He does this it's like a warm cup of coffee on my soul. It's as close to a face to face conversation as I will have while I walk the earth. And I am grateful.

Most of the time, the people He uses in this way are totally unaware of my very real encounter with Christ. They are concerned for me, they love me...they speak the Truth to me, but completely oblivious to the still small voice of Jesus that I hear in them. It is a remarkable experience and when it happens...I am drawn closer to the heart of my Savior.

These times are precious...not because of the people involved, but because it is an outpouring of the spirit of the Lord directly to me. The people are important...don't get me wrong. But in these times it is so much more about my connection to Jesus.

And...almost always, they come after a time that has been extremely hard for one reason or another. It is as if He recognizes the hurt and pain, knowing that I could not take anymore...and eases my spirit just in the nick of time. He knows my heart and knows when I'm at a point of no return...and He sends my sweet friends and loved ones to be His hands, His Feet...His voice...with a personal touch.

The reality of recurrence

Why is it sometimes so much easier to clearly see God's direction and leading in the lives of those who are close to you...? I sometimes think that God wonders if I'm listening to what He is having me say to them. Like through the combination of what I see going on, the way I see the Lord leading & what He's saying in His Word I am equipped with the answers I'm looking for myself.

I'm not sure why this is and even as I sit here and analyze it I'm not sure I get it yet. I want clean, neat, clear, concise direction from God because I don't want to be out of His will for my life. But often I feel like His answers or direction are ambiguous.

I learned something about myself this weekend. It is still...even after years of restoration & recovery...very hard for me to really trust another person.

I hadn't thought about trust much, but this last week has been all about my thoughts on things & how that affects my interactions with others. I got a really big dose of this reality in my life last night...and it scared me

I haven't felt these very familiar, very crushing feelings in a long time. It's like the room gets bigger & louder and I get smaller & more quiet. I don't shut down into silence...this is a much more damaging way of shutting down. If you've known me for 5 min. (when I'm not feeling this way) you would probably categorize me as an extroverted energetic person. When this overcomes me, however, my demeanor couldn't be more opposite. I'm soft, weak, quiet, unassuming, hoping I can just melt into the floor. My muscles tense up so much my body aches, but I smile in a calm collected way...a plastic smile I put on for the rest of the world. A smile I hate, for I am anything but calm and I want to do anything but smile.

This is the part where my defenses from years of psychological and emotional abuse rise up & take over. And it scares me...because I thought I was past it all. Able to just be me, no matter the circumstances. The hard part is filtering through it all and deciding if the circumstances were the cause, or a feeling of vulnerability...my emotional scars laid open for all to see.

I think that is the hardest part. Anyone with scars will tell you the last thing they want in the world is for them to be seen. That's the catch though...how do you define when an emotional scar is exposed? A physical scar is where it is. That doesn't make it better...it just makes it different. I'm discovering that there are situations and sometimes people that have the ability to uncover the emotional scar.

That is hard, when it is done out of love...paralyzing, when it is not.

What I learned this weekend is that...in some ways I'll never know every situation or person that will evoke those defenses in me...and which are healthy and which are unhealthy before it happens. The growth comes in responding with the strength of Christ in me not to morph to that which is completely other. The internal struggle is immense. The flipping of that switch represents all those years of heartache and a complete misrepresentation of who I've been created to be & I don't like it.

Unlike other days, I don't have a neat little resolving paragraph. Because these thoughts still have some very loose ends. I want to respond differently. I want God to continue to work in me to overcome this response. So the desire is there...that is good. I know I still do this, so I need to revisit some things...that's good. But the rest is still out there waiting to be resolved. And what I have experienced is...the reality of recurrence.

The inaudible layer

Sometimes, I find myself talking and I'm not even sure how the words are being formed and thoughts are being strung together. When conversations like these are over, or paused for an indefinite time...I reflect on them. I can rarely remember exactly what I said. I have a general idea of topics discussed or thoughts expressed, but I can't seem to remember them with the clarity I can a conversation of no consequence.

This used to happen very infrequently and without much consideration by me. But recently, it is happening a lot. So much so, that I have taken serious note. I've come to label these conversations as the inaudible layer. These are the times when there seems to be an inaudible layer to my thoughts and words that I understand clearly and that guides me with laser-focused precision to the things I need to say...or not say.

So, as I begin this new day and reflect back on some of those most recent conversations, I am in awe that God would choose to use me in this way in the lives of those closest to me. It also occurs to me that, without their willingness to turn over their most severe hurts to our Father, He could not use me at that point in their life. For it takes both their release and His awesome grace and mercy to allow someone like me to be used in those situations. And what a distinct honor and pleasure it is to be the hands, the feet...the voice of Jesus' inaudible layer.

An unhealthy obsession

I am a passionate person. Which...when focused correctly is one of my greatest assets as a person. However, when it is misplaced or misfocused...bad things are bound to happen. I love art, I love my family and friends, and more and more I love Jesus.

In my teens and twenties I had an unhealthy obsession with justice and my direct role in bringing justice to fruition in situations around me. If there was a wrong happening in my world, not only did I want it to be right, but I wanted to help...no force it to be right.

In my twenties, specifically, I had an unhealthy obsession with a few relationships. I pushed and pushed and tried so hard to make them right...to make them what I thought I needed or what I thought they needed in me. It was an unhealthy obsession.

And now as I look to the place I find myself this day...I'm working now to focus my passion and the positive-turned-negative ways of focusing that energy. I am investing in good relationships and I praying over the injustices I see...for that is my greatest responsibility. And I am seeking after my Savior with reckless abandon...a very healthy obsession.

The intensity of intimacy

So, I tried to write like 3 times today and it doesn't seem to be working for me...at all. But I think part of it is the distraction of life in general. Which is funny because today has been all about the opposite of disconnecting.

I heard something today that turned my thoughts in this direction...the relationships of my life and the turn they are taking, my relationship with Christ, it's all being radically transformed.

And it sucks.

And it's great...

Its the One that knows you. And the ones He uses to let you know He knows you. And how just when you thought you knew...who knew you, and exactly how well they knew you, and exactly how much they didn't...He blows it out of the water.

It's the intensity of intimacy.

The wounds do heal

My dad was a pastor. When I was in Middle and High school we were at a small church where things had pretty much been the same for the century of it's existence. it was a fine church, but the "we've always done it this way" attitude made me a little crazy as a young teen.

There was this woman there that let our Sunday School class and any social gatherings of the kids my age. She was fantastic. she was always looking for ways to make church an experience we valued each week. Over the 9 or so years I was there she really began to invest in me. No one else my age really cared to hang out with any adults, much less those with kids an annoying number of years younger than us. But for me it was different.

I'd always been around adults. We moved around so much prior to my 3rd grade year that it sometimes felt like one giant revolving door of churches, and people and places...So when we finally stopped for more than a couple of years I was excited.

So, I really liked this woman. And she chose to invest in me. We would talk. she would take me for coffee. She opened her home when I needed to get away from my own for a bit. it was great...until it wasn't.

My freshman year of college i was dating this guy. His family and her family were great friends. that's actually how we met. We decide to break up (another story for another day) around Christmas of that first semester. Around the same time, my father was approached about working for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association full time.

Between the break up (which was a bit ugly) and my father no longer being the pastor at the church, there was a lot going on. Somewhere in the process the woman who had been so very involved in my life disappeared. It was the most bizarre experience. She was still at our church, but she would not speak to me. She would not return my calls. I no longer saw her...ever. The person I had confided everything remotely personal for almost 10 years had fallen off the map. it was more than I could handle.

I realize now, that was in part because my focus had shifted. You see...I had only shared and confided in her, and in her absence a chasm was created in my life. Mentors are great and friends and others who invest in you are too, but anytime you prioritize that relationship over that of Jesus...bad things happen. For me it was the flesh and blood of it all. She was an "actual person." I had come to rely on that more than I did on Christ. It was easier. During all the uncertainty, I clung to what was easy. Not a great move on my part...and something I struggle with to this day.

By the end of my freshman year we were settled in a new church in my same hometown, and I never saw her again. That was the beginning of a very difficult and dark time in my life...a time when I did not seek after God and I slipped farther and farther away from Him.

But today is not about that time. Today is about the redemption of that time. The story is necessary to understand how truly remarkable Jesus is in my life. You see...He has strategically placed me in the life of others with the same opportunity to invest and bless. Ironic, right? And so, as I'm in the midst of the busyness of the day, I pray.

I pray for discernment, for myself and those in my life. That I may always rest comfortably in my place under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Doing the work He has called me to do without trying to take His place. I pray for wisdom. I've made an enormous amount of mistakes for my years. I pray that I will use them to point out the goodness and grace of my Savior, sending those around me straight to the cross. And...the most difficult of all...I pray for intimacy. Intimacy with Jesus, whom I long to be closer to than ever before. And intimacy in those relationships He's bringing me to where that is the point. My training ground, if you will. Where I test the waters and see that...the wounds do heal.