The truth of trust

So no long deep thoughts today...just a collection of conversations I've been thinking about.

Trust is the hardest thing to reinstate on the healing side of abuse.

It's hard to receive, but almost impossible to give. And in the moments where you know that you should be able to "insert trust here" you just can't. Reinstating trust is exhausting. Seriously.

You can "want to"...all you want to, but until something or someone breaks down that wall...it's just not going to happen. And no matter how long ago it was or how deep the abuse was felt...it just seems like something you will never be able to do again.

Until you finally do.

And what an amazing experience that is...a little nerve racking, a little scary, a little more than it seems you can handle again. But if you can find the strength to push through all that...amazing things happen.

Your whole body relaxes...for what seems to be the first time in your whole life. And with that release of tension comes amazing relief. Something you dared not ever hope for. But there it is. And when the person you have risked to hand trust to doesn't abuse it or you, a healing you never dreamed possible is born. Its a reality you never thought you would be able to live and rest in, and yet, somehow you do. It's a beautiful thing...

It's the truth of trust.

The anxious anticipation

It's raining this morning. That quiet gentle rain that soothes you back to sleep. It's darker than usual too. And as I sit here...tapping out my morning conversation I am in awe...

I am in awe of how precisely Jesus provides for me. I am a product of several abusive relationships. Not with my parents, thankfully, they are a constant source of encouragement and healthy relationship. But there have been others along the way that have left their marks and scars on my heart and soul.

Because of this, and because of the gender of most of those relationships, there is a healing that cannot be accomplished by my relationship with any of the Godly men in my life. And so, as He so expertly does...Jesus has knit my heart to a woman.

She is an amazing, godly woman...perhaps not who you would expect, at first, to minister to my heart and soul, but she so does. She has traveled a familiar road. And she has the scars to prove it.

It is this that has brought us together. The road of hurt and pain, of isolation and secrecy, of marks and scars. A road that is only understood by those that have walked it...all too well. And here is where you find a part of healing.

It's the part where someone else truly understands.

It's not something you wish for anyone to share with you. But when you do find a soul acquainted with your hurt an instant bond exists. And when that person is passionately pursuing Jesus...you feel instantly at home.

And that is what I have.

In Jesus' perfect timing. Not a moment too soon, because I was not ready to share my heart this way prior to this time in my life. Not a moment too late, because much longer in my seeming peace with the past and I would be poised for another beating. My Savior knows my heart and He knows just the right time and just the right way to open relationships and ready my heart for the next part of His plan for me.

It is in this...His perfect timing, that I am struck that there is more for me. Work yet to be done, things yet undiscovered and unplanned. There is a newness...a freshness to my walk with Jesus. A feeling that something incredible is just around the bend. Barely out of sight...but there just the same.

And I am in awe today. And I wait...with anxious anticipation.

The gentle leader

As I was reading the Word this morning, I was struck by this passage in I Thessalonians 2

As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well because you had become so dear to us. Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you.
You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.
...Indeed, you are our glory and joy.

And in this I found my challenge today...I'm a leader. In almost every aspect of my life I have some role of leadership. And today I am wondering if I am a gentle leader. There is one arena where I realize I've lost part of my focus in leading. Which is where this scripture lands on my heart.

I'm a volunteer leader at Elevation Church. I lead the set up team. Oh, yes...the set up team...meaning, yes, I do get up around 4 on Sunday's to be at church at 5 to turn your average high school into a place of worship. But I have ceased to be gentle. You see the amazing thing about Paul here, that I have also appreciated from those in leadership over me is...

He gets his hands dirty.

He doesn't just sweep in as God's messenger and expect to be treated as a celebrity. He works hard right along side the people he's been sent to lead. Thus further emphasizing the importance of servant leadership.

I have come under may types of leaders in my long history of being involved in churches. But the ones that stick out and the ones I worked hardest for were the ones that worked along side me. I've had great examples of that at Elevation. People who roll up their sleeves and jump in the back of the truck to unload and work as hard or harder than I did.

In the transition that has ultimately ended in my leading this team, I lost sight of that. There are a lot of things to think about on a Sunday morning. Changes from the week before, adjustments to make things run more smoothly, new people coming in, people needing to step down...it's all part of the ebb and flow of a ministry like ours that gets packed and unpacked every week.

And I've been distracted.

I was reminded...very gently this week that I need to dig back in with the people I am leading. Not that what I've been doing was bad...there is a fine line to walk. But I don't want to lead from a far...with words and directions. I didn't like that kind of leader because they seemed so disconnected from whatever work we were doing. I don't want to be disconnected. I want to serve with those I've been entrusted to lead.

So, I will...and it starts immediately. Sunday morning, dark and early, I will meet with the team I serve with and recommit to do just that...serve with them. I will apologize for becoming distracted by the responsibility, and then I will move tables, and haul boxes, and lay floor, because I want to be...the gentle leader.

The thing about prayer

So, here's the thing. I find that my prayer life is directly related with how comfortable I am in my own skin with Jesus. When I'm feeling ashamed or prideful or separated from Him in any way, my prayer life suffers. I've discovered over the last few years that it is a pretty good indication of how intimate I'm allowing Him to be with me.

When I have created a gap in my relationship with Christ, He does not come catapulting over the divide to make me restore my relationship with Him. He lets me go...that's what you do when you truly unconditionally love someone. Now, there are times, when you must fly in the face of the defenses of a sister or friend, because they are not there creating a gap they are a cry for help. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that ever so intentional move on my part to shut Jesus out.

I hate that I do that.

And I'm working on it. With the help of some very real relationships in my life, I am working to understand first why it is I partition myself off acting like I want to just be alone. I don't really want to be alone. I just don't want to be hurt. And letting someone...anyone in, opens up room to be hurt. So I have to learn to trust Him all over again.

And I am.

It is amazing to me that I would cut myself off from this lifeline of conversation. Talking is my fav...I love to talk (and yes I do realize that is an understatement). So why would I stop the one conversation that never has to? I don't know, I really don't. Because it is amazing...it is changing my life. It is clearing the clouded rooms of my heart and helping me not only see Jesus more clearly and the plan He seems to have for me, but also helping me to encourage, support and intercede for others on a daily basis.

I shouldn't be surprised by this...but I totally am.

He is moving in my spirit in a way I had forgotten was possible. He is revealing some of my stuff I didn't even know I still had, and He is talking to me about it. Not in loud thunderclaps from heaven, but quiet moments by the fire. Those times when I actually stop...and listen to Him. He is also entrusting me with the responsibility of bringing those closest to me before His throne of grace and mercy and healing every day. And it's incredible.

That's the thing about prayer.

In the beginning...

In the beginning...God created. It's funny how He does that. He sees what is out there, almost as if to say..."I wonder what would happen if..." Of course, He doesn't actually wonder, He knows all to well the plans He has and exactly how and when it will all come to pass. And I love that.

I am able to see, this morning, how God has been working to create something in my life. Something totally other than I ever expected. I'm seeing steps that were ordered so carefully in my life...that at the time seemed haphazard and lacking direction. I'm seeing people, places, experiences that culminate in where and who I am today. The process has been painful, more so than I would have liked, but that's how I know this very real truth.

God is preparing me for what He's preparing for me.

I've never seen it so clearly. I've been told I have a purpose, a calling, something special that only I can do. My parents have been telling me this my entire life. Quite literally. And they mean it...every time. Today, I actually think they might be right.

Daddy was a pastor while I was growing up. From the time I can remember we pastored small churches across this country. We moved every 3 or 4 years, not because our denomination said we had to, but simply because Jesus did. It was hard to see at the time (especially for me because I was a kid), but this was very intentionally planned by God. You see, my father's ministry, and therefor the ministry of our family, was to go to places that were broken and bring restoration. And Jesus did that through our family...over and over and over again.

Little did we know that the last church he would pastor would be the beginning of something so much bigger than that. My freshman year of college he was approached by at least 2 different well-known ministries asking him to consider working full time for their respective organizations. That was the weirdest year...I remember like it was yesterday.

Now, I love my dad..don't get me wrong, but we had had what seemed like a relatively uneventful history...preaching in small churches in small towns...ministering to Christians and teaching them how to be in healthy relationship with God and with each other. And while I'm not discounting it...it was important, it just didn't seem like the kind of background someone would need for the types of jobs that were on the table.

After almost 12 years, it has become abundantly clear, that the first 20 years or so of his ministry was the training ground for what he would do in the second half. He would not trade those years of working along side God's people, because those experiences are ones he draws on every day in his current position. He could never been equipped in this way had things been different.

And that is how I feel today. I have had several years of wondering if God had forgotten about me. If He really did remember the loneliness and pain I was feeling so very often. I even backed away from Him. Feeling hurt by my experiences and like He wasn't listening to my heart. All the while, knowing it wasn't true, but unable to see His hand at work in my life. I became guarded in my relationship with Him. As if I need to protect myself from something. And today I see it. I see that He has so not forgotten me. That He has been ever so carefully and expertly creating something that is a unique masterpiece of my past and my present, my scars and my smiles, my hurt and my healing.

All for the purpose and plan for my future.

A future I did not see coming, but look towards unwaveringly. Something that I could not understand until I was completely broken at His feet. One that I did not choose, but that I was chosen for. And I revel in that today. With nervous energy, because we are...

in the beginning...

Knowing my place

I've been flooded by revelation in the last few weeks. Some coming from processing Catalyst, an amazing conference I went to; some from an honest voice that pierces my heart with Truth; and some from books, not the least of which is the Bible. It's been a bit overwhelming actually. Not more than I can handle...like I discussed yesterday, but definitely more than I expected.

The most recent being a core issue I have with relationship. I've been trying to understand my reactions to those around me, in all parts of my life, for some time now. Touching here and there on what I can define and trying to work through it the best I know how. But last night, in a very real and difficult way, I discovered the heart of the matter.

I do not know my place.

In a relationship, whether it be with friends, co-workers, family, a significant other...I don't know how I fit. I'm not sure the place I have is a place I can keep, even with Jesus. I'm not sure how to rest in the value I am told that I have...I'm afraid I'll loose it. I'm afraid I'll screw something up.

Most of this has been very unconscious and under the surface. I think I've finally been able to unearth it because of some very difficult words that were spoken to me in love a month or so ago. I'm sitting across from a very dear friend and she looks me in the eye and says..."Laura, at some point, you just didn't choose Jesus." There was a long conversation that followed, where I began to dig deeper into myself than I ever cared to before. It began a very real journey that has been difficult and amazing at the same time. A journey that has led me to a cherished sisterhood I never thought possible.

And here I sit...with some very real rubble around my heart, wondering if I have what it takes to

know my place...

and own it...

and rest in it...

And honestly, I'm scared. I want to, more than I could ever begin to express. I have no reason not to believe these two amazing women who are speaking grace, hope, mercy, truth and love like never before. I know in my head I have no reason not to trust Jesus. That He tells me I am His daughter...His precious one.

So, now, one day at a time...hour by hour...moment by moment, I cling to this thought from Isaiah 42:2-4

He will not shout or cry out,
or raise His voice in the streets.

A bruised reed He will not break,
and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.
In faithfulness He will bring forth justice;

He will not falter or be discouraged
till He establishes justice on earth.
In His law the islands will put their hope."

until I know my place...

A personal touch

Sometimes in my life God allows me to see Him in a very "flesh and blood" kind of way. He brings His Word, His character, His love...all to the forefront of an otherwise broken and sinful person that is just like me. When He does this it's like a warm cup of coffee on my soul. It's as close to a face to face conversation as I will have while I walk the earth. And I am grateful.

Most of the time, the people He uses in this way are totally unaware of my very real encounter with Christ. They are concerned for me, they love me...they speak the Truth to me, but completely oblivious to the still small voice of Jesus that I hear in them. It is a remarkable experience and when it happens...I am drawn closer to the heart of my Savior.

These times are precious...not because of the people involved, but because it is an outpouring of the spirit of the Lord directly to me. The people are important...don't get me wrong. But in these times it is so much more about my connection to Jesus.

And...almost always, they come after a time that has been extremely hard for one reason or another. It is as if He recognizes the hurt and pain, knowing that I could not take anymore...and eases my spirit just in the nick of time. He knows my heart and knows when I'm at a point of no return...and He sends my sweet friends and loved ones to be His hands, His Feet...His voice...with a personal touch.

The reality of recurrence

Why is it sometimes so much easier to clearly see God's direction and leading in the lives of those who are close to you...? I sometimes think that God wonders if I'm listening to what He is having me say to them. Like through the combination of what I see going on, the way I see the Lord leading & what He's saying in His Word I am equipped with the answers I'm looking for myself.

I'm not sure why this is and even as I sit here and analyze it I'm not sure I get it yet. I want clean, neat, clear, concise direction from God because I don't want to be out of His will for my life. But often I feel like His answers or direction are ambiguous.

I learned something about myself this weekend. It is still...even after years of restoration & recovery...very hard for me to really trust another person.

I hadn't thought about trust much, but this last week has been all about my thoughts on things & how that affects my interactions with others. I got a really big dose of this reality in my life last night...and it scared me

I haven't felt these very familiar, very crushing feelings in a long time. It's like the room gets bigger & louder and I get smaller & more quiet. I don't shut down into silence...this is a much more damaging way of shutting down. If you've known me for 5 min. (when I'm not feeling this way) you would probably categorize me as an extroverted energetic person. When this overcomes me, however, my demeanor couldn't be more opposite. I'm soft, weak, quiet, unassuming, hoping I can just melt into the floor. My muscles tense up so much my body aches, but I smile in a calm collected way...a plastic smile I put on for the rest of the world. A smile I hate, for I am anything but calm and I want to do anything but smile.

This is the part where my defenses from years of psychological and emotional abuse rise up & take over. And it scares me...because I thought I was past it all. Able to just be me, no matter the circumstances. The hard part is filtering through it all and deciding if the circumstances were the cause, or a feeling of vulnerability...my emotional scars laid open for all to see.

I think that is the hardest part. Anyone with scars will tell you the last thing they want in the world is for them to be seen. That's the catch though...how do you define when an emotional scar is exposed? A physical scar is where it is. That doesn't make it better...it just makes it different. I'm discovering that there are situations and sometimes people that have the ability to uncover the emotional scar.

That is hard, when it is done out of love...paralyzing, when it is not.

What I learned this weekend is that...in some ways I'll never know every situation or person that will evoke those defenses in me...and which are healthy and which are unhealthy before it happens. The growth comes in responding with the strength of Christ in me not to morph to that which is completely other. The internal struggle is immense. The flipping of that switch represents all those years of heartache and a complete misrepresentation of who I've been created to be & I don't like it.

Unlike other days, I don't have a neat little resolving paragraph. Because these thoughts still have some very loose ends. I want to respond differently. I want God to continue to work in me to overcome this response. So the desire is there...that is good. I know I still do this, so I need to revisit some things...that's good. But the rest is still out there waiting to be resolved. And what I have experienced is...the reality of recurrence.

The inaudible layer

Sometimes, I find myself talking and I'm not even sure how the words are being formed and thoughts are being strung together. When conversations like these are over, or paused for an indefinite time...I reflect on them. I can rarely remember exactly what I said. I have a general idea of topics discussed or thoughts expressed, but I can't seem to remember them with the clarity I can a conversation of no consequence.

This used to happen very infrequently and without much consideration by me. But recently, it is happening a lot. So much so, that I have taken serious note. I've come to label these conversations as the inaudible layer. These are the times when there seems to be an inaudible layer to my thoughts and words that I understand clearly and that guides me with laser-focused precision to the things I need to say...or not say.

So, as I begin this new day and reflect back on some of those most recent conversations, I am in awe that God would choose to use me in this way in the lives of those closest to me. It also occurs to me that, without their willingness to turn over their most severe hurts to our Father, He could not use me at that point in their life. For it takes both their release and His awesome grace and mercy to allow someone like me to be used in those situations. And what a distinct honor and pleasure it is to be the hands, the feet...the voice of Jesus' inaudible layer.

An unhealthy obsession

I am a passionate person. Which...when focused correctly is one of my greatest assets as a person. However, when it is misplaced or misfocused...bad things are bound to happen. I love art, I love my family and friends, and more and more I love Jesus.

In my teens and twenties I had an unhealthy obsession with justice and my direct role in bringing justice to fruition in situations around me. If there was a wrong happening in my world, not only did I want it to be right, but I wanted to help...no force it to be right.

In my twenties, specifically, I had an unhealthy obsession with a few relationships. I pushed and pushed and tried so hard to make them right...to make them what I thought I needed or what I thought they needed in me. It was an unhealthy obsession.

And now as I look to the place I find myself this day...I'm working now to focus my passion and the positive-turned-negative ways of focusing that energy. I am investing in good relationships and I praying over the injustices I see...for that is my greatest responsibility. And I am seeking after my Savior with reckless abandon...a very healthy obsession.

The intensity of intimacy

So, I tried to write like 3 times today and it doesn't seem to be working for me...at all. But I think part of it is the distraction of life in general. Which is funny because today has been all about the opposite of disconnecting.

I heard something today that turned my thoughts in this direction...the relationships of my life and the turn they are taking, my relationship with Christ, it's all being radically transformed.

And it sucks.

And it's great...

Its the One that knows you. And the ones He uses to let you know He knows you. And how just when you thought you knew...who knew you, and exactly how well they knew you, and exactly how much they didn't...He blows it out of the water.

It's the intensity of intimacy.

The wounds do heal

My dad was a pastor. When I was in Middle and High school we were at a small church where things had pretty much been the same for the century of it's existence. it was a fine church, but the "we've always done it this way" attitude made me a little crazy as a young teen.

There was this woman there that let our Sunday School class and any social gatherings of the kids my age. She was fantastic. she was always looking for ways to make church an experience we valued each week. Over the 9 or so years I was there she really began to invest in me. No one else my age really cared to hang out with any adults, much less those with kids an annoying number of years younger than us. But for me it was different.

I'd always been around adults. We moved around so much prior to my 3rd grade year that it sometimes felt like one giant revolving door of churches, and people and places...So when we finally stopped for more than a couple of years I was excited.

So, I really liked this woman. And she chose to invest in me. We would talk. she would take me for coffee. She opened her home when I needed to get away from my own for a bit. it was great...until it wasn't.

My freshman year of college i was dating this guy. His family and her family were great friends. that's actually how we met. We decide to break up (another story for another day) around Christmas of that first semester. Around the same time, my father was approached about working for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association full time.

Between the break up (which was a bit ugly) and my father no longer being the pastor at the church, there was a lot going on. Somewhere in the process the woman who had been so very involved in my life disappeared. It was the most bizarre experience. She was still at our church, but she would not speak to me. She would not return my calls. I no longer saw her...ever. The person I had confided everything remotely personal for almost 10 years had fallen off the map. it was more than I could handle.

I realize now, that was in part because my focus had shifted. You see...I had only shared and confided in her, and in her absence a chasm was created in my life. Mentors are great and friends and others who invest in you are too, but anytime you prioritize that relationship over that of Jesus...bad things happen. For me it was the flesh and blood of it all. She was an "actual person." I had come to rely on that more than I did on Christ. It was easier. During all the uncertainty, I clung to what was easy. Not a great move on my part...and something I struggle with to this day.

By the end of my freshman year we were settled in a new church in my same hometown, and I never saw her again. That was the beginning of a very difficult and dark time in my life...a time when I did not seek after God and I slipped farther and farther away from Him.

But today is not about that time. Today is about the redemption of that time. The story is necessary to understand how truly remarkable Jesus is in my life. You see...He has strategically placed me in the life of others with the same opportunity to invest and bless. Ironic, right? And so, as I'm in the midst of the busyness of the day, I pray.

I pray for discernment, for myself and those in my life. That I may always rest comfortably in my place under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Doing the work He has called me to do without trying to take His place. I pray for wisdom. I've made an enormous amount of mistakes for my years. I pray that I will use them to point out the goodness and grace of my Savior, sending those around me straight to the cross. And...the most difficult of all...I pray for intimacy. Intimacy with Jesus, whom I long to be closer to than ever before. And intimacy in those relationships He's bringing me to where that is the point. My training ground, if you will. Where I test the waters and see that...the wounds do heal.

In my face and invading my space

So, every once in a while, when I feel like I might be getting my act together, Jesus gets in my face and invades my space. If you think you know me, you might not realize how uncomfortable this is for me. But it totally is.

I am so willing for Him to use me to speak to others that you would think I would welcome these very personal times of specific revelation from those who speak truth into my life. I think my fear often gets the better of me. However, the Word tells me I was not given a spirit of fear that makes me a slave again to fear, but I received a spirit of sonship from which I may cry out...Daddy. (Romans 12:8)

Which, of course, brings me to my life verse. A verse that has been with me for many years (18 to be exact). Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" There have been times in my life where this verse has brought comfort and guidance and a myriad of other blessings. But the longer I live with it the closer it gets to my heart. And therein lies my struggle.

While i do wear a certain amount of my emotions on my sleeve and seem relatively willing to share that with people in my life, I only let that go so far. There is a whole other level that I keep carefully tucked away...you see that's what abuse will do to you. I have a great front, very open and loud and full of life and love, but no one really gets in to that other place. Because that's where the power to hurt lives.

So as Jesus carefully sands away at the stone of my defenses, I get very nervous. You see...in this part of my life, He doesn't come at me with a wrecking ball, or a sledge hammer or even a chisel. He knows I wouldn't stand still for that...but He comes quietly, in the most unexpected ways, with a piece of sand paper and slowly rubs away what I've worked so hard to build up around my heart. It's terrifying...and beautiful at the same time.

He speaks soft words of life, truth, encouragement...things that build up my tender, broken heart. Words I've decided are for everyone around me, but not for me. Truth that I had given up on. Guiding me, ever so gently, out into the open. I'm not there yet, but I can see it ahead of me. I know I can see it because my gut instincts are telling me I'm way past the point of needing to run and hide. And it is taking everything in me...and more, to push ahead.

But today, I will. Today, at the very least, I will not turn around. I will not run away. Even if the most progress I make today is to stand right here and allow Jesus to be in my face...invading my space...

Among Other Things...

So, I've had a lot of stuff floating around in my life lately and I just got tired of having people tell me I should do something like this so...here it goes. I'm the last person I know that would intentionally sit down and write...anything. My mom was a writer while I was growing up. She's excellent with words and is one of the most intelligent women I know. Thus, my feelings on writing anything myself that she might one day read. Not that she is critical, but she is amazing and expects only the best from me, among other things.

I've been a teacher for 6 years, going on my 7th. I love my job and the kids I have the honor of investing in on a daily basis. I guess sometimes I just need to be reminded that my calling is high, my responsibility is great and in small ways I am making a difference in the lives of my kids...among other things.

I've been a part of Elevation Church for the last 2 years. I can't begin to tell you what God has done in my own life through this church, it's pastor, and it's people. I have found a place where I can be real about where I'm at. Where I can learn and grow in ways I never thought possible. A place that values feedback from it's people and strives to flesh out the calling God has placed on us the best we can in our humanness. I'm made some amazing friends, and truthfully, the process of participating in this church has changed my life, among other things.

So, as I start this day today, with new adventures on my horizion and a ton of work to do at school this week, I'm thankful. That quiet, self-reflective kind of thankful...among other things.