The kind you can skip

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I have failed to get any of my thoughts into writing. So, you're gonna want to grab a cup of coffee or something and hang on...I have several things on my mind.

This has been an interesting few weeks for many reasons. God is stretching me in just about every aspect of my life...and it's been quite overwhelming actually. Thus my slacker attitude toward writing about it. I mean who really wants to spill the mess of Jesus rocking your world all over a blog that might be read by tens of people?

However,

it seems to me that this has become part of my process and by neglecting it I'm not fully taking in what it is that He has for me in this chapter of my life. So, put on your rubber gloves...here comes the mess.

First of all, this is a result of my previous post. I've been telling Jesus that I wanted to dive deep. That I wanted to allow Him to use this time where I have basically no attachments to grow and strengthen my relationship with Him. To make the most of these days and create a firm foundation with Him on which to live the life He's called me to lead.

I've decided that this is sort of like praying for patients. The only way to dive deep in the waters of My Savior is to experience pressure from all sides. Pressure that seems unbearable until your body adjusts and your ready to take it even further.

You can not fight this process.

Wow...that's the hard part.

And boy have I experienced the pressure. And my tendency is always to fight. So now that I've sort of settled into this part of the process I'm seeing things with more clarity. I see areas of weakness that I need to humbly carry before Him and trust Him to work in me what I cannot work in myself. I see areas of strength that I have ignored because I've preoccupied myself with things that...at the end of the day...don't matter. I have a very skewed view of myself. It's very hard for me to see myself the way Jesus does. The vessel that He made me with a specific design to do only what He's called me to do and equipped to do it with excellence.

And then there is my Pastor...who every week for the last 2 months seems to have something to say that is just for me. Preaching in my face about things only Jesus can know about. I'm so thankful for him and his unwavering desire to not only hear the heart of our Savior, but to speak His words boldly and with conviction every week. It's exhausting for me and I can't imagine what it like for him to do what he does 4 and 5 times a Sunday. I admire and respect him like no other.

So all this leads me to our current series Purple People Leader. You can see the first week's sermon "You're Not Normal" there...and you should. It rocked me to my core. I have totally spent my whole life just trying to fit in and fly under the radar and I got totally called out for it.

I could go on for days about this sermon that I have listened to multiple times and took pages and pages of notes on. But...three days later...here is what I'm still processing.

My influence is so very much wider than I ever imagined.

I have been uniquely gifted and created to do something for Jesus that only I can do. My power in Christ is found in my uniqueness.

I am a rock...

It's like this...we've all heard of the ripple effect. You drop the rock in the water and the ripples go so much farther out than the size of the rock...blah, blah, blah. So here's what Jesus is trying to do with me...with all of us who call ourselves His people. He doesn't want a "normal" rock...a normal rock can only have a normal impact. You hear about "normal" people all the time who affect their world. With some new scientific breakthrough, helping those around them...maybe even something as far reaching as their country through politics or education or something along those lines. BUT THAT'S NORMAL. Anyone can affect those around them.

Jesus wants to impact the culture, the ideology, this world He created for His glory. Only He can do that...and He chooses to only do that through the uniqueness of His children.

Here's what I mean...I'm a rock, sure, but I'm different. I'm one of those rocks you look for along the side of a river or pond with an unusual shape, a little longer and flatter than most. Because you see...this is the kind of rock that is perfect for skipping. And Jesus wants to send me skipping across the surface of the deep leaving behind me not one set of ripples...but many, each one crashing into the next so much that the whole surface is eventually affected.

Understand that this makes me want to throw up.

But its amazing. To really beginning to understand what He wants to do with me. How He wants to use me. That not only does He not expect me to look like the other rocks...He doesn't WANT me to look like the other rocks. Because if I look like them, I'm only a one-ripple rock...and He wants so much more for me and those He has surrounded me with.

So, there it is...I'm a rock...but not just any rock...

I'm the kind you can skip

Something only He can do

I find that when I get scared or overwhelmed by the move of God in my life that I tend to try to sabotage something great in my life. The initial solution to this is to allow Jesus to keep the waters of my soul still as My Father moves across the face of the deep.

Sometimes I really suck at this...

And recently, in a quiet way (that few, if any can see)...I have done that. It's not that I necessarily set out to destroy that which has been so graciously entrusted to me. But if I turn my eyes from My Savior for even a moment it happens. My instincts in this negative direction are still much stronger than I would like to admit. I'd like to think that I've grown enough to know better...but that's just it. When this happens, it has little, if anything, to do with my growth or lack thereof.

It has much more to do with my sin nature, my specific wiring and how that plays itself out when I do not trust Jesus with all of my heart.

I've talked before about how hard it is for me to truly trust. And again, I find myself having to intentionally remind myself that I CAN and SHOULD trust My Savior. I wish I could just flip the switch on my trust and then hard wire it to stay that way, but that's the thing about human relationship. Even with Jesus...we, as fallen, broken people are not hardwired to do much of anything except sin.

We have to work hard at our relationship with Christ. And when we don't the sin nature takes over. Don't get me wrong...Christ has already done the work of salvation and forgiveness, but in order to maintain our relationship with Him we have to work to daily turn over...whatever it is and ask Him to take the little we have and do...

something only He can do with it.

Dive deep

So, I've been thinking today...a lot. I'm wondering how it is that I get so removed from my Bible. Currently, I'm pretty connected to mine, but I'm noticing a feeling of "wow, I haven't carried my Bible literally everywhere in a while"

Why is that?

I'm not really sure that I have the answer, but tonight - as I sit pondering this thought among others - I am reminded of how alive and active the Word really is.

I've been reading in II Corinthians. I couldn't tell you why other than when I finished the last book I was in I sat reading through descriptions of Paul's letters and really spent some time praying about where I should go next. And II Corinthians stood out to me.

So, away I went and I can't tell you how much over the last few weeks I have felt the words just jump off the page at me...in direct correlation with my life. I shouldn't be surprised...but I totally have been.

And the further I go...the more it happens.

This is an amazing season in my life. I have worked hard to eliminate the distractions. I'm still working, but it's getting there. I have no ties to anything other than Jesus. Yes I have to go to work and do my job, but I am single and own my house and my car and pretty much get to dictate how I spend my time.

And more than ever I want to dive deep.

I'm not content to swim on the surface of my relationship with Christ. I want to suit up in my scuba gear, dive as deep as I possibly can...and just take in the wonder that is My Savior.

So, I'm embracing the season...I'm loving every minute of it. I am falling in love with Jesus all over again. It's amazing. And as I look out over the ocean of His love for me, I continue to prepare for the revelation of my calling. I'm suited up and ready....

to dive deep.

One little thread

I have this scarf...it's amazing. It was a present and I totally love it. It has stripes of color with a light blue pattern woven over, under and between them. Like I said...it's awesome.

I love creating outfits around this scarf...it's my favorite. (yes, I totally become a girl over this thing...it is what it is)

So, I was wearing it at church this weekend (which I have to talk about on a different day, but that was incredible as well) and as I'm talking with friends and volunteers my girlfriend notices that there is a pick in my scarf.

Not good...

After further investigation we discover that it goes all the way across the length of the scarf....beyond frustrating.

We carefully begin to pull the scarf out flat returning most of the yarn back to where it belongs. The problem with this, however, is that once the threads have been pulled they don't go exactly back where they go. Something is always a little off.

Which brings me to the message this weekend. We were in Luke 15 talking about the prodigal son. And one of Pastor Steven's many good points was that you don't set out one day to wreck your relationship with God. But slowly, almost without noticing, one small decision can set you off in the wrong direction. And then one day you wake up and realize you are somewhere you never intended to go.

This is like my scarf. I didn't set out to ruin it. But one small pick pulled all the way across the scarf affecting every row. This is a powerful lesson because I'm being taught a lot right now. I'm hearing the sweet voice of my Savior and I want that to continue. I don't want to do anything that will put me on a road that leads me away from him.

So, I re-evaluate my life today and look for anything...even things that seem small that might be separating me from Jesus.

Because it only takes...one little thread

It's all about being healthy...

No super profound thoughts today...just continuing to work at being healthy. Thanks to the "encouragement" of one of the most influential people in my life. In all aspects of my life. I've stepped up my exercise. I'm continuing to make better choices with my eating. I continue to strive for a better work/life balance. I'm getting there, but I still have to work on my perspective and my priorities.

Like I said, nothing profound...just kind of where I'm at.

Got a lot of things to think about in that regard.

It's all about being healthy....

Marked as forgiven

For a long time I've thought through the process of being marked. In high school I felt marked because my dad was a relatively well known local pastor and the Chaplin of our high school basketball team. Meaning everyone in our small town knew him and that I was his daughter. This was not bad...but sometimes I felt, I don't know...marked. Like I was supposed to have it together and be sweet and kind and above anything that even looked like it might be out of line. This probably kept me out of a lot of trouble, but sometimes...I just wanted to blend in.

In college I felt marked as well, but for some different reasons. This feeling has sort of followed me through my life and for the most part it has made me want to hide.

However,

In the last few years, and particularly the last few months, I have begun to see this as something very different. I see my feelings of being marked as not negative, but as set apart.

And I am just that.

I am set apart.

As a child of God, as a teacher at a Christian school, as a volunteer leader at Elevation...in many different ways I see that more and more I am being set apart.

And so, in celebration of that which used to make me want to hide, over the break I was marked...in a very real way.

I put a lot of thought into it. I did a lot of research. And I prayed...and what came to me is that I am forgiven. I have not always wanted to be set apart. I have not always embraced my relationship with Jesus above all else. That has changed...

and I am forgiven.

The Greek word "forgiven" is aphesis (ἄφεσις). It means to release from bondage or imprisonment, to let go of sin as if it had not been committed, remission of the penalty. It's a beautiful word and it sums up my life experience with Christ...in one simple word.

So, I've embraced it...completely, and have had my body...

marked as forgiven

Make the most of it

So...school starts again and suddenly the very structured order of my life has fallen directly back into place. I should probably find some sort of comfort in it, but I don't.

I never have.

Even when I'm ready to see my kids and friends again...I'm just never ready to return to the organized chaos that is my life. And that makes me wonder why.

Work is good for me. It provides the income I need to sustain this life I've been given. It provides relationships in which I get to invest. It provides a purpose for my days...work is good for me, so why is there always a part of me that dreads it's return?

I think it's because I like not knowing what the day may hold.

And while this is fine...even good every once in a while, it's not intentional. I must be intentional. For the most part, I think I am. I am intentional in my conversations, my relationships, and how I spend my time. But by the time we are ready for a break at school...I am ready to let go a bit...okay a lot, and not be intentional about how my day falls together.

Like I said, this is good sometimes, but I can't live my life that way. Too much can escape a day that has not been lived intentionally. And I can't afford to let that happen. My days are too precious. My time too valuable, to simply let it go to waste.

So, as I start this semester, I'm trying to focus on this opportunity to be intentional again...with all aspects of my day. To not let one go to waste.

To come back to reality...and make the most of it.

I have a lot to think about

So, we started a new sermon series today called Come Home. Pastor spent a lot of time casting vision. It's a vision I'm very familiar with, but he totally wrecked me today with his passion and challenge in bringing those we know who have drifted from their relationship with God back to their Savior so He can bring them home.

I have not really been able to process this message today. I'm still working through the notes I took over the two services I attended. There are a lot of pages...a lot of scripture...and a lot of work for me to do.

And as I sit here tonight reflecting on my day...I have a lot to think about.